CLEVELAND, OH — Residents of a quiet Midwestern neighborhood are in shock after a 40-year-old man with a long moustache and a black acoustic guitar publicly declared himself “The Original Arsehol*.” Authorities say his behavior in recent weeks has left little room for debate.
Neighbors report that the man, who often struts around in a red plaid shirt and white cowboy hat, has committed a string of antisocial acts ranging from irritating to downright unforgivable.
“He left his shopping cart right in the middle of the parking lot last week,” said eyewitness Carla Jennings. “When I asked if he was going to move it, he just grinned, strummed his guitar, and sang something about being an arsehol*. Honestly, I couldn’t even stay mad. The tune was catchy.”
A Growing Rap Sheet of Rudeness
Local businesses have compiled a running list of his offenses, which reads like a manual for inconsiderate living:
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Cutting in line at the coffee shop.
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Hogging two parking spots outside Applebee’s.
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Taking the last slice of pizza without asking, then wiping his hands on the box.
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Pretending to know directions, then leading tourists into dead ends.
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Licking the knife and putting it back in the peanut butter jar at a church potluck.
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Borrowing $20 from nearly everyone in town and paying back precisely no one.
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Pretending to be asleep so he doesn’t give up his bus seat to elderly riders.
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Taking selfies at funerals.
“It’s not just the behavior,” said Pastor Greg Walters. “It’s the confidence. He clips his fingernails in public like he’s signing autographs. He queue-jumps at Disneyland and then waves to the kids like he’s a celebrity. The man has… aura.”
A Community Divided
Some residents claim to be horrified. Others admit they find his brazenness inspiring.
“He doesn’t tip, he double-parks, he eats the last donut, and he still walks into the diner like he owns the place,” said waitress Denise Hardy. “I hate him. But part of me wishes I had that kind of freedom.”
Meanwhile, city officials have struggled to respond. The mayor’s office released a brief statement calling his behavior “a direct threat to decency and line-based order,” though insiders admitted privately that several staff members were caught chanting his name in the break room.
Disneyland Issues Statement
The problem escalated nationally when he was spotted at Disneyland, loudly singing, “Queue jump at Disneyland, I’m the Original Arsehol,”* while bypassing a two-hour line for Space Mountain.
“We’ve dealt with unruly guests before,” said a park spokesperson. “But never one who managed to get the crowd clapping along while he did it.”
Security tried to remove him, but reports claim he simply pretended to be asleep until they gave up.
The Legend Grows
Despite efforts to curb his influence, the moustached man’s antics have gone viral online, where fans have dubbed him a “hero of honesty.” Supporters argue he’s not encouraging bad behavior—he’s simply shining a light on the arsehol* lurking in all of us.
Critics disagree. “He’s setting humanity back decades,” said etiquette coach Marlene Bridges. “We just got people to start flushing at friends’ houses, and now he’s out here making it cool not to.”
Final Word
For now, the man continues to roam freely, armed only with his guitar, his hat, and an unshakable commitment to being everyone’s least favorite neighbor.
As one witness put it: “He’s not the arsehol* we wanted. He’s the arsehol* we deserve.”
