It doesn’t matter if you’re in a country town pub, a big city nightclub, or standing in line at the DMV: sooner or later, you’ll encounter him. The one, the only, the unavoidable: That Guy. And by “That Guy,” we don’t mean “funny drunk uncle,” “quirky co-worker,” or “the guy who knows too much about Star Wars.” No. We’re talking about the universal constant of the human race: That Guy’s an arsehole.
Now, let’s be clear. Being “That Guy” is not a profession, though many practice it full-time. It’s not a hobby, though it requires dedication, training, and an unearned sense of self-confidence. It’s more of an aura. You don’t have to know him long — sometimes just two seconds is enough — before your brain whispers, “Oh. Yep. Arsehole.”
How to Identify “That Guy”
Luckily, spotting him is easy. Here are the most common tells:
- The Wardrobe Flex
He’s the one in a shirt two sizes too small, straining like it’s holding back the Hoover Dam. Sunglasses indoors? Check. Hat tilted slightly sideways, like he’s trying to be both cowboy and rapper simultaneously? Absolutely. Bonus points if he wears his belt buckle large enough to qualify as a satellite dish. - The Line Cutter
Everyone else is patiently waiting. Not him. He’ll slide right to the front of the bar line, flash a wink at the bartender, and say something like, “VIP service, mate.” The only thing he’s important for is reminding us why patience is a virtue. - The Car Guy
He’s either bragging about his “lifted rig” or complaining about the “premium fuel” his sports car needs. And without fail, it’s parked illegally. Usually in a handicapped spot, fire lane, or directly in front of the police station. - The Conversation Hijacker
No matter what you’re talking about, he’s done it better. Climbed a bigger mountain, dated a hotter girl, caught a bigger fish. Mention you bought a house? He’s “flipping three.” Talk about running a marathon? He once “ran it hungover and still placed.” If you went to the moon, he’d tell you he once “drank beers with Buzz Aldrin.”
Subspecies of “That Guy”
Like all creatures in the wild, That Guy comes in variations depending on his environment.
- Bar Guy – Loud, sweaty, convinced he’s the funniest person in the room, though his jokes have all aged like unrefrigerated milk.
- Gym Guy – Yells while lifting, slams the weights down, and offers unsolicited advice like, “Bro, you’re curling wrong, let me spot you.” He will not, under any circumstances, put the dumbbells back.
- Wedding Guy – Always the first one to grab the mic for a speech. Somehow makes your wedding toast about his ex-girlfriend.
- Family Gathering Guy – Brings nothing to Christmas dinner but criticism. He’s the uncle who says, “Back in my day, we had discipline” while stealing the last slice of pie.
Why Do We Hate Him?
Because That Guy exists as a walking mirror of everything we despise about humanity — arrogance, entitlement, and the ability to make even free beer feel like a bad deal.
He’s the reason bouncers have jobs. He’s why group chats exist (“Heads up, he’s coming tonight”). He’s the living embodiment of a traffic jam: loud, unnecessary, and somehow always in your way.
But Here’s the Twist…
Sometimes — brace yourself — we are That Guy.
You think you’re immune? Think again. Ever cut someone off in traffic, waved like they were the problem, and kept driving? That’s Guy Behavior. Ever told a story just to one-up your mate, even though you knew it was petty? Guy Behavior. Ever taken the last slice of pizza and pretended you didn’t see it was the last slice? Guy. Behavior.
Being That Guy isn’t always a permanent condition. It’s like the common cold — contagious, irritating, and at some point, everyone catches it. The difference is some of us snap out of it, while others wear it like a badge of honor.
How to Deal With “That Guy”
There are strategies:
- The Ignore Technique
Don’t feed the ego. Treat him like the background music — loud, repetitive, and best tuned out. - The Mirror
When he brags, brag bigger. He says he ran a marathon? Tell him you swam the English Channel while holding a lit cigarette. He says he’s got a big truck? Tell him you once towed a yacht with a bicycle. Make it so absurd he can’t compete. - The Karma Sit-Back
Just wait. That truck he parked illegally? Towed. That beer he spilled on your shoes? Straight on his lap next round. Karma has a faster turnaround time for That Guy than for anyone else.
Why We Secretly Need Him
As much as we complain, society would be boring without him. That Guy is our entertainment, our cautionary tale, our reminder that humility actually looks good on people. Without him, who would we laugh at when the tow truck drags away the “badass” rig? Who would we roll our eyes at in the bar?
He is both curse and comedy, punishment and punchline.
The Final Punchline
Here’s the rule: if you don’t know who That Guy is in your circle… chances are, it’s you.
So the next time someone struts in wearing sunglasses at night, belt buckle gleaming, dangling truck keys like they’re Olympic gold — grab a beer, lean back, and enjoy the show.
Because life’s too short to get mad. It’s much more fun to laugh and say,
“Yep. That guy’s an arsehole.”
