Famous Quotes … Sort Of

History is written by the victors. And then rewritten by the internet.

We’ve taken some of the world’s greatest minds and given them the one thing they never had—better comedic timing. Because if history teaches us anything, it’s that no one fact-checks dead people.

Did Napoleon ever say, “Short kings deserve respect too”? Probably not. But who’s going to argue? Certainly not Napoleon.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy these hilariously fake quotes from history’s most legendary figures. After all, as Albert Einstein once (never) said, “Laughter is just misplaced relativity.”

Leaders & Politicians:

1. Franklin D. Roosevelt – “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself… and maybe clowns.”
2. George Washington – “I cannot tell a lie… but I can strategically avoid the truth.”
3. Winston Churchill – “History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it… and add a few explosions.”
4. Napoleon Bonaparte – “Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake… unless he’s your GPS.”
5. John F. Kennedy – “Ask not what your country can do for you—ask if your Wi-Fi is working first.”
6. Margaret Thatcher – “Watch your thoughts, for they will become words. Watch your words, for they will become memes.”
7. Theodore Roosevelt – “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are… unless you’re out of coffee, then do nothing.”
8. Abraham Lincoln – “Four score and seven years ago, I told myself I’d start eating healthier. Still waiting on that.”
9. Queen Victoria – “We are not amused… unless it involves a cat falling off a table.”
10. Julius Caesar – “Et tu, Brute? Also, who invited all these knives?”

Writers & Philosophers:

1. Mark Twain – “Giving up smoking is easy. I’ve done it thousands of times.”
2. Oscar Wilde – “I can resist everything except Wi-Fi passwords and free snacks.”
3. William Shakespeare – “All the world’s a stage, and I still forgot my lines.”
4. Jane Austen – “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be bombarded with online dating ads.”
5. George Orwell – “Big Brother is watching… and so is your smart fridge.”
6. Plato – “Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have a podcast.”
7. Socrates – “I drank what?”
8. Charles Dickens – “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… it was also Monday.”
9. Edgar Allan Poe – “Quoth the Raven, ‘Dude, chill.’”
10. Leo Tolstoy – “All happy families are alike, but all dysfunctional families make better reality TV.”

Scientists & Inventors:

1. Isaac Newton – “Gravity is a harsh mistress, especially when you trip in public.”
2. Nikola Tesla – “The present is theirs; the future, for which I really should have patented my ideas, is mine.”
3. Marie Curie – “Radiation is like a bad relationship—dangerous but kind of exciting.”
4. Thomas Edison – “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways to procrastinate.”
5. Albert Einstein – “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results… like checking the fridge for new snacks.”
6. Charles Darwin – “Survival of the fittest… or at least survival of those who remember to charge their phone.”
7. Carl Sagan – “Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be discovered… probably in the back of my fridge.”
8. Alexander Graham Bell – “Hello? Yes, I’d like to report a telemarketer… oh wait, I just invented the phone.”
9. Leonardo da Vinci – “Art is never finished, only abandoned… much like my New Year’s resolutions.”
10. Sigmund Freud – “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar… and sometimes it’s a cry for attention.”

Artists & Entertainers:

1. Vincent van Gogh – “I’d give my left ear for some peace and quiet.”
2. Pablo Picasso – “Good artists copy, great artists steal… and Photoshop makes it easier.”
3. Andy Warhol – “In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes… or at least have a viral tweet.”
4. Charlie Chaplin – “A day without laughter is a day wasted… and so is a day spent waiting on hold with customer service.”
5. Walt Disney – “If you can dream it, you can do it… unless it involves flying. Then you need a plane.”
6. Buster Keaton – “Comedy is when you slip on a banana peel. Tragedy is when you forgot to record your favorite show.”
7. Marilyn Monroe – “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you probably saw me before I had coffee.”
8. Salvador Dalí – “I don’t do drugs. I am drugs… but only the legal kind, officer.”
9. Bob Ross – “There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents… like me pressing ‘Reply All’ by accident.”
10. Ernest Hemingway – “Write drunk, edit sober. Post on Twitter, delete in shame.”

Bonus 10 (For Even More Dissapointment):

1. Albert Einstein – “I finally understand the universe, but I still have no idea how to fold a fitted sheet.”
2. Winston Churchill – “Success is stumbling from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm… or spilling your drink.”
3. Mark Twain – “Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience… especially on the internet.”
4. Abraham Lincoln – “The best way to predict the future is to create it… but if that fails, just blame Congress.”
5. Nikola Tesla – “If I had a dollar for every idea Thomas Edison took credit for, I could’ve actually afforded to pay my rent.”
6. Julius Caesar – “I came, I saw, I conquered… and then I tripped over my own toga.”
7. Marie Curie – “Science is fascinating! So fascinating that I completely forgot radiation is, you know, deadly.”
8. Theodore Roosevelt – “Speak softly and carry a big stick… but don’t forget to check if it’s actually a stick and not a very angry badger.”
9. Shakespeare – “To be or not to be? That is the question. But honestly, have you tried just taking a nap instead?”
10. Benjamin Franklin – “In this world, nothing is certain except death, taxes, and people ignoring the user manual.”

Disclaimer – Fact Checked – Occasionally by janitor when he has time. Tonic Calm.com – “Where Lies Feel Like Truth!” “Because Real News is Overrated!”