Ah, Valentine’s Day—the one day of the year where the bar for effort is set just above doing nothing at all. Welcome to Bare Minimum Valentine’s Day, where the goal isn’t romance, it’s survival.
As long as something is done, it counts, right?
Let’s break down the classic bare minimum efforts that people will absolutely try to pass off as romance.
1. The “I Forgot” Flowers 🌹
Bought from the servo. Still in plastic. Possibly wilted. If he hands them to you while still holding the receipt, he bought them 45 seconds ago.
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Valentine’s Day Gifts: What They REALLY Mean
2. The Text Message Love Letter 💌
No card? No problem. A last-minute “Happy Valentine’s, babe” text at 11:58 PM still technically counts. Bonus points if it includes a heart emoji. Extra points if it was copied and pasted.
“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” – Robert Frost
(But hey, a “U up?” text works too.)
3. The Supermarket Chocolate Special 🍫
It’s half price, and he grabbed it while buying milk. He might let you have a piece. But only after he eats a few first.
4. The “Romantic” Dinner (At Home) 🍽
Translation: takeaway. Extra romantic if it’s still in the bag when it arrives at the table. If he really wants to impress, he’ll put the chips on a plate. Fancy.
5. The “You Didn’t Say You Wanted Anything” Defense 🛑
Ah yes, the ultimate bare minimum move—blaming you for expecting anything at all. Somehow, this man believes that Valentine’s Day is optional.
6. The Surprise That Wasn’t 🎁
When he says, “Your gift is coming soon!” it means one thing: he forgot and ordered it today. It will arrive on March 4th. Maybe.
7. The “Quality Time” Offer 📺
Which is just watching whatever he was already watching. He might pretend to let you pick, but the second you suggest a rom-com, he suddenly remembers a really important game is on.
8. The Gas Station Teddy Bear 🧸
Stuffed with 90% air and 10% regret. It’s either too small to be cute or so big it takes up half the bed. Either way, it will be forgotten in a week.
9. The Handmade Coupon Book 🎟
A collection of IOUs for things he should already be doing. “One free hug.” “One night of doing the dishes.” None of these will ever be redeemed.
10. The Ultimate Bare Minimum Move: Nothing 😶
Not even a text. Not even a nod in your direction. This man woke up, looked Valentine’s Day in the face, and chose violence.
Final Thoughts
If you got anything on this list, congratulations! Your partner has successfully avoided being single for another year.
But hey, it’s the thought that counts.
Right?
Disclaimer – Fact Checked – Sometimes by the janitor, when he has time. TonicCalm.com – “Where The News Gets Faker”
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