So, you’ve decided to visit Australia. Bold move.
You’ve packed your sunscreen for the sun, your bug spray for the mosquitoes, and your courage for the snakes, spiders, and sharks.
But you forgot about the most dangerous creature of all—the Drop Bear. – Thylarctos plummetus
These terrifying, flesh-hungry koala cousins hide in trees and attack from above. And they always go for the tourists.
See also – Are DropBears Real?
Don’t panic. Just follow these lifesaving tips:
1. Smear Vegemite Behind Your Ears
It smells horrible. It tastes worse.
But drop bears hate it.
Scientists (who have mysteriously disappeared) believe the strong, salty scent confuses their highly developed “kill anything that moves” instinct.
Locals won’t tell you this. They want to watch you get attacked.
2. Speak With an Australian Accent
Drop generally bears only target foreigners.
If you sound Australian, you might be safe. Just remember these key phrases:
🐨 “Yeah, nah.” (No.)
🐨 “Nah, yeah.” (Yes.)
🐨 “She’ll be right mate.” (Probably not, but who cares?)
Say these convincingly, and the drop bears might move on to an easier target.
3. Wear a Helmet …maybe works, …sort of
Some people say a strong helmet can save your life.
These people are already dead.
A helmet might buy you a few seconds, but once a drop bear has locked in on your skull, it’s game over.
4. Don’t Stand Under Trees
If you see a nice, shady tree and think, “Oh, that looks like a perfect place to rest,” congratulations.
You’re about to become a tourist statistic.
NEVER stand under trees. Walk quickly. Stay alert. Sleep with one eye open.
5. Carry a Fake Baby Koala
Drop bears have one weakness: guilt.
If you carry a stuffed koala toy and scream “THIS IS YOUR CHILD!” while being attacked, there’s a 12% chance the drop bear will hesitate.
(12% is better than 0%. You take what you can get.)
Final Warning
As Mark Twain once said:
“It’s not what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
Think drop bears are fake? So did the last guy.
And no one ever saw him again.
Stay safe. Trust no one. And never look up.
Disclaimer – Fact Checked – Occasionally by the janitor, when he has time. Tonic Calm.com – “Where Lies Feel Like Truth!” “Because Real News is Overrated!”
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