The world has changed.
No longer are Stop Oil protesters gluing themselves to roads, blocking traffic, and ruining Mondays.
Now? They’re directing traffic, waving people through, and making sure Gary from Accounting isn’t late for his 9 AM meeting.
Why the sudden shift? Let’s investigate.
1. They Realized They Were the Traffic Problem
After years of blocking roads, protesters had a shocking revelation.
It wasn’t Big Oil stopping commuters from getting to work.
It was themselves.
After one too many angry horn blasts, they collectively decided: Maybe we should help instead.
And just like that, Stop Oil became Go Traffic.
2. They’ve Become Efficiency Experts
Who better to fix traffic than the people who spent years breaking it?
Now, they’re at every major intersection, guiding cars like professional Formula 1 pit crews.
- Stressed-out workers? Waved through immediately.
- Confused tourists? Redirected to the scenic route.
- Karen in her SUV trying to cut the line? Politely ignored.
Productivity is up. Road rage is down.
3. They’re Still Protesting, Just More Politely
They haven’t abandoned their cause.
They’ve just rebranded.
Instead of shouting at drivers, they now hand out pamphlets at red lights.
Instead of blocking intersections, they hold up helpful signs.
🚦 “Reduce Carbon Footprint – Drive Efficiently!”
🚦 “Carpool Today, Save the Planet Tomorrow!”
🚦 “Late for Work? Not on Our Watch!”
4. They’ve Discovered the Joy of High-Vis Vests
Nothing says power like a neon yellow vest.
Now, Stop Oil volunteers are wearing them proudly as they whistle, gesture, and make commuters’ lives easier.
One former activist was overheard saying:
“I used to get yelled at for standing in the street. Now people roll down their windows and thank me. This is much better.”
5. They Might Actually Be Making a Difference
Ironically, traffic is moving faster than ever.
Less idling. Less fuel waste.
Commuters are happier. Pollution is down.
The protesters set out to fight fossil fuels, and in the strangest twist of all—they just might be winning.
Final Thoughts
As Winston Churchill once said:
“To each, there comes in their lifetime a special moment when they are tapped on the shoulder and offered the chance to do a very special thing.”
For these protesters, that thing was learning how to direct traffic.
And honestly? The world is better for it. 🚦
Disclaimer – We create fake news, so the real news outlets don’t have too anymore. Tonic Calm – “Printing Lies Since Before You Were Born!”
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